We thought we’d moved into a nice part of town, in a quiet little cul-de-sac. This week Tracy got the gossip.
As you stand at the entrance to our close we have a house on the corner that an ex-judge lives in. All good news and respectable there then apart from he is an ex-judge because he is addicted to coke and has been in and out of jail several times! They don’t come out their house much, in fact we’ve never seen them and I’m not sure they even exist. If they do however, I’m sure they are very respectable these days though – even if they don’t keep all of their front garden up to the required standard.
On the opposite corner is the VP of the home owners association and her husband. He came to say hello the day we moved in but we’ve seen no sign of him since. As it turns out this may be because he spends all day in his shed drinking. She told us off within the first week for not putting our bins away and she’s not best pleased about the fact that we leave our cars on the drive. She also called the police when our next door neighbors children were young and ran around in the front garden naked – fearing that they would attract the wrong sort of people. And if all that was not bad enough “she has a pair of binoculars you know”. Need I say more? I do? Oh well, in that case, apparently their children don’t like them.
Next door to them is the bat cave. Whenever these residents see a fellow neighbor their garage door magically opens and they disappear into it. They remain hidden until all human life form has gone before re-emerging.
Between the bat cave and us is a single mum who doesn’t like children. We have been asked if “we’ve been shouted at by her yet?”. We haven’t. Not yet anyway. Apparently she used to terrorize the children of the previous tenants. Woe betide her if she does!
Then we have our neighbors on the other side who seem reasonably normal apart from they seem determined to move the entire contents of their garage into our house. As if we hadn’t received enough useless “stuff” from them, we got home from soccer last night to find another box of other “stuff” on the doorstep. Never mind, it keeps our bins full.
Which just leaves us. Rather worryingly, it seems we are the most normal of all. Not sure what that says about us or our neighbors. So there we go. That’s our neighbors. Allegedly.
Just to clarify: The bat cave is so called because they drive up in their car, the garage door opens and they disappear. Then it opens and they drive out and off. The running away from human life is only when they are in the garden. The rest, Tracy can confirm, is all true!
Also the VP of the home owners association and her husband have been in separate beds since 1992! That’s true that is.
Now that we have actually spoken to our other next door neighbor, this post should really be updated to reflect the fact that rather than being a child hating ogre, the lady next door is actually quite nice. Even Toby found this surprising as when we walked away he shouted “I thought she was meant to hate children”. Oops!